To Thine Own Self Be True

Why then do we do what we do - when we know what we know?
Author unknown


I first encountered this quote during a church meeting. I thought a lot about how it related to the things I personally value and why sometimes people go against their own values. As I thought more on the quote, I realized how much it pertained to the situations that a lot of my former students were in. Although I have no clinical background, my job afforded me the benefit of being able to sit in on many group therapy sessions. I say 'benefit' because it really was beneficial to me to get to know the students much better and they knew they could truly trust me in those confidential meetings. I did not speak during those meetings, and I did not sit in on too many sessions because I did not want to be a disruption. However, during the ones I did sit in on, I was often struck at how insightful these young people could be. They would admit in therapy sessions that they held certain values and they were ashamed of certain things that they had done that were contrary to those values. However, many expressed concern that- when they are outside of a structured environment -they may not have the moral courage to do what was right. Some were afraid that peer pressure may be too much. Others are worried that they may not possess the self-control to abstain from their former vices. Others were unsure about certain activities, and whether they view those activities as right or wrong. I have heard often that most children form their basic core values as early as age four. I am unsure as to the scientific validity of this statement, but I personally believe that even very young children know what is basically right and wrong. There are some political and theological points that are grounds for disagreement, but the majority of people in our country hold the same basic values regarding life, freedom, and pursuits of personal happiness. They sometime choose to ignore what they know to be true in order to obtain acceptance in a social clique, or to test the boundaries set in their home environment or to obtain temporary physical or emotional gratification.

The operative word in the previous sentence is of course 'choose'. Life is full of choices. The ultimate value of our own moral character is determined by the choices we make on a daily basis. Choosing to go against what we know to be a moral truth is weak-minded thinking. We must be willing to sacrifice the temporary popularity or momentary physical gratifications in order to obtain a more meaningful tomorrow. Doing what we hold to be right is not always popular - but you have to ask yourself what your self-respect is worth to you. The only person you have to live with is you. If you can't look yourself in the mirror and like yourself, then some thing's got to change.

Telling our children what is right is not enough. Sometimes, being the good example is not even enough. Teaching principles through personalized goals and activities designed to help our children internalize the principle is the only true way to help them develop those traits that will lead them to a happier, healthier adulthood. For my final thought, I wish to paraphrase the great spiritual leader - Buddha. He said - people should not believe in a principle just because it is a generally held belief, a wise person said it to be so, or because it is said to be of Divine origin. People should only believe in that which they have tested and have judged to be true for themselves. Sometimes we test ourselves. We do things that we know in our heart are contrary to God or to our own personal beliefs in order to reach some perceived personal gratification. We will often find this gratification to be fleeting and hollow. For many it is required to taste of the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. For some - belief in certain morals and principles is easier than others. I encourage you to loose yourself in the service of others; to do a good deed everyday, to help a neighbor or a stranger. Even starting small with one kind smile to a stranger per day will help you to understand the Divine nature of mankind and will help you to break the shackles of doubt and self pity that often lead to those poor decisions.

It is my humble assertion that as you progress through life and practice daily the principles which you know to be true, your attitudes about your issues will change for the better and you will grow, not because of what someone else said was true, but rather because you have judged that truth for yourself on your own course of self discovery. That you will be better tomorrow because of what you have practiced today and that you will be better armed to refrain from whatever vice or demon that is troubling you. As Polonius said to Laetes in Shakespeare's classic Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

The Extra Mile

It's never crowded along the extra mile.
~Wayne Dyer

A few years ago, my husband and were faced with a big decision that would have significantly impacted our family. It would have really caused us to have to go the extra mile. We had a dear friend with a troubled 17 year old daughter who had recently run away from her home out of state. She made it to our state and had been staying with 'friends'. I had been helping her mother by taking the child to appointments with a therapist. One week, the child asked if she could live with Ron and I. Her father was a close friend of my husband and he had died 4 years previously in an accident. Her mother and I had remained close ever since the accident. After discussing the situation with the mother, she had agreed to let us take her daughter in - if we were willing. Ron and I have done this sort of thing before, for our nephew, and were met with mixed results. It had been so nice for us to have our 'freedom' in the home again over the last year and a half since he had left us that we were hesitant to give up certain aspects of our privacy again. This would really take us out of our comfort zone. As we discussed this decision, we had to ask ourselves, 'What is the right thing to do?' NOT -'What is it we want to do?' - Or - 'What is the easiest thing to do?' Or - 'Can't someone else do it?'

Doing the right thing is often not the easiest thing. We made a final decision as to what we were willing to do. We were willing to help this young woman and be her legal guardians - but there would be very strict ground rules. The final decision would be up to the young woman in question. She had to decide if she was willing to become a member of our family and live by our rules. As we discussed what we would do - my husband said - "We've been down this road before and at least this time we know better what to expect. We will plan to help her succeed in the areas she is working on - however - if she chooses not too - then at least we will know that we have gone the extra mile and have tried to help a friend in need." Unfortunately for my friend's daughter - she decided she was unwilling to have us place any expectations on her and did not want to move in after all if it meant having rules like she had at her own home. So - for a while - going the extra mile for this child was just literal as I continued to drive her to her weekly therapy appointments.

Emotionally, financially and physically - going the extra mile can take a tole on families to different degrees. Will it be worth it in the end? Does being worthwhile depend entirely on the outcome of your particualr situation? It is my humble suggestion to you - that the journey will be worth it whether you see exactly the results you want or not. If you have applied yourself and if you have bettered the relationships that you have with your friends and family members - then it will have been worth it.

At that time, as my husband and I discussed taking in yet another 'stray' if you will - He had brought up the fear of failure. He was referring to our inability to get our nephew to turn out exactly as we had hoped. I reminded him - that had we done nothing - our nephew was so far off course that it is possible that he would not even be alive - Or - that he would very likely have had a serious drug problem. There are worse things in life than working a minimum wage job and refusing to go to college. We have done all that was in our power and the rest was up to him. Since that time - our nephew has moved on to better employment, gotten married and bought his first home. He is only 24 and though he never went ot college as we had hoped, he has, so far, done well for himself. As the oft quoted prayer from AA goes, "God grant me the courage to change the things I can - the serenity to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes the most important rewards do not come from the final destination, but come instead come from the journey. I sincerely hope that you can have the positive outcome to your experiences as well, however if the end of your road is not the Garden of Eden that you have imagined, may you take peace in the wisdom gained from traveling the extra mile toward your goal in the first place.

Service Blesses Us

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing
because he could only do a little.
Edmund Burke

I was feeling rather reflective today and have chosen the lovely quote above for a comptemplative Sunday afternoon. I have a dear friend that is going through some great personal trials right now. It is difficult to watch her struggling and to see her situation change so much over the last year. My friend is a wonderful, hard working woman. She is working hard, not only at her job, but also to keep her spirits up and she has chosen to take the moral high ground despite the difficulties her situation has placed her in. I will not go into the personal nature of her difficulties here. Suffice it to say that I know she is a good woman and is in her situation because of the mistakes and decisions of others and not because of things that she has done herself. I get very sad when I think of the all the wonderful service her family has done for our family in the past, and that now so much of her family dynamic is changing because of the difficulties they are going through. I have wanted to do something to help my friend out but have been at a loss as to how to really do anything that would be of great benefit to her and her family. I have been a shoulder to cry on and have been a listening ear for her at times, but felt that I needed to do something more substantial. I have been involved in my own financial struggles lately as has most of the country, and I felt that I had no real way to help.

I was soooo wrong. I called my friend one night and offered her some of the fruit that has overloaded my trees this summer. I just could not keep up with the picking and preserving. The fruit was falling from the trees faster than I could get it canned. To me the offer was no big deal. It was simply a matter of me not having the time to can or dry all my fruit before it rotted. But when my friend picked up the bags of nectarines and peaches from my house later that evening, she was so grateful. I told her it was no big deal and then she told me that to her it was a very big deal. I knew things were tight at her house, but I did not know that she had been struggling to even buy groceries. She told me that she was not able to afford to buy fresh fruits and vegetables right now. She and her kids had been living off of a lot of stored canned goods and the deer and elk meat from her son's kills last season.

In looking around her home, I noticed a few things that needed attention. My husband had already offered to cut down a tree that she needed to have removed. I asked her about a broken window and she told me it was on her list but was not a high priority right now because the weather had been so warm so far and that she was trying to save the money to fix it before the snow flies. I had no idea how much that would cost to fix, so I was unsure how to proceed there. She had complained of computer problems in the past and I know how expensive that can be. There, I decided, was a way that I could help. I am a bit of an amateur techno-geek so I offered to do that for her. It took several hours and a call to a friend who was a professional techno-geek, but we finally got her computer up and running the way it should. My friend was so excited. She hugged me and thanked me profusely. I do a little computer maintenance work on the side for pay at times, but that hug and the look on my friend’s face was the best paycheck I ever got. Something that was a matter of a few hours of my time had made a huge difference to her.

We never know how something we regard as a small act can bless the lives of another. I hope that you will have the opportunity sometime to see how your everyday acts can bless the lives of another. It is very gratifying to know that your efforts have made someone else’s burdens a little lighter. May we all be so blessed to have that million dollar smile of a paycheck.

The Gift

by Kay Reynolds - January 2004

I had a gift so precious and I kept it to myself.

I hoarded it, and shared it not, and put it on a shelf.

Then one day I noticed that the gift that once was fair,

Was withered and was nearly lost for lack of loving care.

I took it down and nurtured it and then chastised myself,

That I would keep it better now and with my friends would share.

To my surprise, the gift began to grow, so that I had not room,

Upon my shelf or in my house to contain it's growing bloom.

The gift took on a radiance and I did too I found,

And my friend, struck by its beauty, did soon come around.

She asked to take a portion of my gift to grace her home,

So lovingly I divided it and gave the fledgling mound.

The moral of this story is that gifts that are brought to bear,

Are only valuable to us when we chose to share.

Managing Stress

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension.
George burns (1896 - 1996)

Stress cannot always be avoided. It is inevitable that in our daily hustle and bustle lives, we will find something that stresses us. Maybe it's something trivial that is the proverbial straw for your camel's back or maybe it is truly a problem that needs to be solved. Either way - learning to manage it is the difference between being healthy in your life or having a stroke at the age of 49.

It was the end of the boating seasons 2005 when I took the picture at the right. You can see that the wind was blowing quite hard and the tiny bird on the left of the picture was having a difficult time flying against the wind to get back to it's nest in the reeds. We had planned one one last trip on Utah Lake before winterizing our vessel for the year. It was just not to be. We launched the boat, took it out of the harbor for a brief 5 minutes and decided it was just too rough to be enjoyable. Rather than be upset over the fact that we could not take the trip to the harbor on the opposite shore and pic-nic at the dock there, we decided to tie up to the dock in our home harbor and enjoy the fried chicken and jello salad we had brought. We ate and watched the seagulls fly in to look for crumbs from our feast. We let our daughter practice her knots and docking the boat in rough waters. We took a walk on the shoreline and played in the waves as they crashed against the rocks of the levy. My daughter even coaxed a few ducks to eat graham crackers from her hand. It was a wonderful family day. Had we chosen to stress over something we could not control, the outcome of that day would have been very different.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden." "So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

So, my friends, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. If, after you have rested from your stress, you find yourself needing to pick it up again - go ahead. But you may find that resting from your stress gives you new perspective and the thing that seemed so important yesterday is not so important today.

Although I realize that many of the following ways to deal with stress may sound cliche' - they are also wise. Read through the following and try to incorporate some in your life.

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, for then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* Sometimes it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
* When everything is coming your way, you may be in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live, so happy birthday.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once while other mistakes are much too costly to make twice.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. . . . Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour and make everyone else laugh.

Let Freedon Ring!

Freedom is not merely the opportunity to do as one pleases; neither is it merely the opportunity to choose between set alternatives. Freedom is, first of all, the chance to formulate the available choices, to argue over them -- and then, the opportunity to choose.
C. Wright Mills

This week we celebrate the birth of this great nation. I hope that each of you have taken the opportunity to reflect upon the great freedoms that we enjoy as citizens of the United States. We have opportunities here that we take for granted, that people in other nations can only dream about. We can own property, send our children to school, read- watch - or listen to anything we desire without fear of reprisal. We can wear anything we want, say anything we want and speak to anyone we want. All men and women here have a vote in government regardless of race, religion or social standing.

As a woman, I am very thankful that I was born a citizen of this country. The suffrage of my gender to cruel hands in many nations is overwhelming to think about. When my daughter was 14, we had a talk regarding the freedoms that she and I enjoy here. She had her eyes opened one night as we watched a television documentary about the life of women in Afghanistan under the reign of the Taliban. There was one scene in the program where a group of women were gathered in the street wearing their black berkas. All of a sudden, a man came by and started beating one of the women with a large stick as the others scattered. It was revealed through an interpreter that the awful crime the woman had committed to deserve this beating was that she had worn nail polish. My sweet innocent daughter was so angry to think that a woman could be treated this way, but she was even angrier that this treatment was accepted by that society. As she put it - just because society accepts it - does not make it right.

We live in a society that has great freedom - but with that freedom comes responsibility. We must safeguard our freedoms through active participation in our government. Our voice matters. Our vote does count. If we lay back and let others make decisions for us without regard to what those decisions are, then we are being not only incredibly ignorant - but ungrateful as well. It is our right and our responsibility to write or call our congressmen, to protest that which we find unjust, to attend our city council meetings on occasion and to monitor those that we have charged to govern us. It is our right and responsibility to elect righteous men and women to governing positions and to use our votes to throw them out of office if they fail represent the values that we hold dear. It is our responsibility to judge our judges and protest those decisions that we find to be unjust. It is our responsibility to do everything that is legal, moral and ethical to safeguard the rights that we have been blessed with and to vanquish any foe that threatens these rights to destroy. It is our responsibility to hold the torch of liberty high and to be a beacon of hope for the oppressed peoples of the world so that they - seeing our good example - may wish to fight for these rights in their own countries. It is our responsibility to be the best Americans we can be. May we all be proud of our freedoms and resolve to be more active in our role as good citizens of this - the most wonderful country on Earth.

Lake Powell Larry

Today's Quote
It has been said that the way to secure a relationship is for it to be a 50/50 partnership. That’s a lie! The only way to have a great relationship with anyone is for both parties to give 100%.
Lake Powell Larry

A few years ago we were vacationing at Lake Powell with my family and friends. If you have never been to Lake Powell – please put it on your list of things to do. Boating there is unlike boating anywhere else on earth. It is breath-takingly beautiful. If you don’t have a boat, go camp there, and rent a houseboat or wave runners. The rental fees are well worth the fun your family will have camping on the beach and playing in the water. I promise it will be one of your best memories later in life. While I had a lot of fun on my vacation – I also had an adventure that was not so pleasant. I will relate the incident below in an attempt to illustrate a point.

One night, upon our return from our trip upstream to Rainbow Bridge National Monument, a storm began to brew. We were feeling quite blessed that our boat was able to skirt the storm on our 25 mile trip back to camp and that the brunt of the lightening and rain could be seen over the buttes to our north. We had some heavy winds and waves but luckily no whitecaps to worry about. As we drew near our campsite, we noticed that one of our shade tarps had blown down and the tents were still up but flapping heavily in the wind. We hastily disembarked the boat, tied off the anchor lines and ran up the shore to secure our belongings better. Within 15 minutes, my daughter’s friend yelled – ‘did you forget to tie up the boat?’ My heart sank as I turned to see our beautiful cabin cruiser adrift some 150 feet offshore. The winds had blown so strong that both anchor stakes had pulled out of the ground and were now being towed behind the boat by the lines that had once held them securely to shore. My husband and I ran to the water’s edge. Ron dove in and tried to catch up to the drifting boat. Long –story– short – he did not catch it. He nearly drowned (literally) in his attempt since all of our life vest were onboard. The boat continue to drift faster than he could swim, and the waters had become extremely choppy in the wind. After Ron emerged from the lake, our friend, Will, ran through the thick sticker weeds the other side of the cove to a pontoon boat that we had noticed as we came in to camp. By now it was complete darkness. Luckily, we had left the fluorescent light on the radar wing of the boat turned on, so that boat was well lit and visible. However, finding someone else willing to go out after dark could be a daunting task. I said a silent prayer that the pontoon boat would help us before our boat crashed into the rocks on the other side of the cove. My prayer was answered as I heard the engine start a few moments later. The captain of the other vessel pulled alongside our boat and Will was able to come aboard and motor our boat safely back to shore. He and Ron re-anchored the stakes more securely this time. That night, after the wind died down, we all yelled a giant 'thank you' across the cove to the pontoon boat captain. The next morning, we figured a hike to our neighbor’s camp was well called for in order to express our thanks in person.

Meet Lake Powell Larry. I call him that because I never got his last name. He is a wise retired army man and we spent about an hour just ‘sitting on the porch’ as Larry called it, and swapping stories and philosophies for life. When my husband offered Larry gas for his boat, he refused, saying that if he got paid, then his help was not a true good deed. Of course we argued against that saying that we were only offering $100 worth of gas whereas he saved thousands of dollars worth of equipment for us. He said ‘that’s what neighbors are for.’ ‘It doesn’t matter that we don’t know each other’s names or come from the same area of the country, we are all neighbors and we should help each other out when we can.’ By the time we all got off Larry’s boat and back to our own, we decided that was one of the best hours he had spent on our vacation. Visiting with Larry was like a trip to grandpa’s house. You have fun, enjoy some snacks and glean the wisdom of the ages.

I believe that we should be constantly looking for ways to serve our fellow man. By pausing to help a neighbor, we not only lift their spirit, we lift our own. Sometimes we even make a new friend. I don’t know that I will ever come across Lake Powell Larry in my travels again, but I will always remember his kindness and advice from that morning on the porch of his pontoon boat. His life has touched mine in a positive way and in turn, I hope that by sharing my story and his quote above, Lake Powell Larry has touched you as well. May his kindness live on through our good deeds to others.

Optimism

Today's Quote
Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and of true progress.

Nicholas Murray Butler

The optimist and the pessimist, the difference is quite droll - the optimist sees the doughnut while the pessimist sees the hole. I learned that little rhyme at the tender age of ten and decided that I always wanted to be the one to see (and eat) the doughnut. Without optimism, we have no hope, no desire, and no reason to continue in the daily struggles of life. I have referred to hope and righteous desire in previous posts. Without hope or optimism that tomorrow will be better, we would have no desire to try harder today. It has been said that small opportunities are the beginnings of great enterprises. Without optimism, the great enterprises would never develop. The opportunities would lie unheeded and be another tragic death. Without optimism for your bettered future, you would not look for options for healing and treatment. The very nature of your continued success is dependent upon how optimistic you are about your chances of healing. You could not honestly pursue the cause of healing or treatment if you have did not have hope that your life could get better. This post is just that short and sweet. Please see the doughnut - eat the doughnut - and enjoy every bite! I know I do.

Flexibility

Today's Quote

Flexibility and adaptability do not happen just by reacting fast to new information. They arise from mental and emotional balance, the lack of attachment to specific outcomes, and putting care for self and others as a prime operating principle. Flexible attitudes build flexible physiology. Flexible physiology means more resilience in times of challenge or strain. Staying open—emotionally—insures internal flexibility.

Doc Childre and Bruce Cryer, From Chaos to Coherence

It has been a hectic two weeks and I have not posted to either of my blogs because I have been so busy. First of all I had to make an unexpected trip to Baker California to tow my nephew home to Utah after he had major engine problems in his car. I had 3 hours notice from the time my husband decided that I needed to go pick him up until I actually left. A few days after I returned from that trip, I went on an impromptu overnight trip with my man to Las Vegas (which would have been much more fun without the two year old in tow - but at this point I will take what I can get). When I got back my house guest was already here and I will have him here for at least another week or two. I am trying desperately to get organized enough again to post regularly to my blogs.......which brings me to the topic de jour - Flexibility.

Rigidity in thinking is one of those traits that must be changed or it can really mess up our entire emotional balance and keep us from getting past certain roadblocks in our personal journey through life. I have a friend that seems to only be able to see things one way. There can be two paths going to the same place, but he will only take the one, even though the other is just as amenably and the distance is the same. When I once suggested we use the other path, he bristled at the thought as if I had asked him to go 10 miles out of his way. He was unwilling to take a new path. He is this way in many things. He will only eat foods that are processed a certain way. I can't use certain words around him because he thinks they are too complicated or pretentious. Certain ideologies cannot be discussed because 'they are just wrong'. It is very difficult to be around him at times because he is so narrow minded. When I talk to him, I just try to stick with small talk because to go deeper into conversation with him will only lead down his one-way street. If in a therapy setting someone is rigid in their thought process, it closes the doors to healing. You must be open to try new things and to listen to new ideas. That does not mean that you must be moldable like a lump of clay, it simply means that you must be willing to listen and to try. Like the Dr. Suess book "Green Eggs and Ham" you may find that you like new things once you try them.

Because my husband travels for a living and he was going out of town the day my nephew needed help, I had to take the journey on myself. At 11am, the decision was made that towing Brian home was the most cost effective measure for him and his new wife. I made arrangements for my youngest daughter to stay with my sister-in-law overnight while I was gone. I picked up my other nephew, her 20 year old son, to ride with me 'just in case' and I set out on my journey at 2:30 in the afternoon after loading down my big diesel truck with extra oil, antifreeze, tools and fuel cans for the journey. If I had not been flexible, my poor nephew and his wife would have incurred major cost. My husband already had a pretty good idea of how bad the car was and what the problem was based on the description Brian had given him on the phone. Brian and Dianna would have been 'robbed' by the local garage where he took the car for diagnosis. If they chose to bring the car home for repair, they would have had to pay for two plane or bus tickets plus the transport fees for a car-hauler to bring his Cadillac. This would have been close to $1000 dollars, money a young married couple does not usually have set aside. The only choice was for me to go tow him home. It was a scant $250 in fuel cost for my truck and great time to get to know my 20 year old nephew, TJ, better on the ride down and Dianna better on the ride back. To look at the bright side, it was also an opportunity to have an extended family adventure that we could all talk about and share later in life.

Once, after we were newly married, Ron and I went out on a Sunday drive and ended up in Evanston Wyoming, some 150 miles from our house. We just wanted to follow a different road and it was fun. We had little money for other adventures at the time, but gas was relatively cheap and we got good milage in our vehicle. We had 5 hours of quality time in the car to talk about our goals in life and enjoy a cheap fast food hamburger. It was just a simple drive but more than 20 years of marriage later, I still remember it. Ron and I often go on impromptu trips with our four-wheelers. I can't count the number of times that he has come home from a business trip after 10 pm and we have decided to go somewhere the next morning just for fun. We generally have the motorhome packed and the 4-wheelers loaded by noon the next day and are off on yet another family adventure. One year when we went to Lake Powell with friends, we were camped 10 miles upstream in a side canyon and after 4 wonderful days, decided that we had enough provisions to stay a while longer. We made the decision that we would not leave until the food ran out. We got 3 extra days out of the trip. (Obviously, we believe in taking more food than we think we will need just in case) It was the most wonderful time. The last day we were there turned out to be the best with the stories that we still repeat today. I have a friend that cannot go anywhere with out it being scheduled in her little book three weeks in advance. She can only stay as long as she has planned and will not dare to deviate from her pre-planned course. She does not have a demanding job or special needs to accommodate, it is just that she has no sense of spontaneity. I can't imagine the fun family moments we would have missed out on if we had that same rigidity of thinking.

A gymnist is flexible so that she can do the movements required for her routine. But - was a gymnist born that way? Of course not. This trait was nutured through much hard work and dedication. Choosing to be flexible in your thinking is the same. I cannot expect my friend to suddenly change his mind about his personal ideologies all of a sudden. There must be a willingness on his part to listen to new ideas and give them consideration. So what must we do to become more flexible? First - Make a choice. If there is a true willingness to change, then change will be attainable. If you are simply going through the motions and saying what you think others want to hear, then true change will never happen. Second - Prepare to be disappointed. You will not accomplish everything without little setbacks. Setbacks are OK. Do not loose track of the original goal. Third - Be honest. Honestly do your best to make whatever changes you are trying to make. Half-hearted attempts will never get you to your goal. Fourth - Be happy in the moment. Enjoy your sucesses and rededicate yourself after each setback.

Human beings are like trees in a way. If we are shallow rooted and rigid like a poplar, we will be broken or uprooted in the storms of life. If we are flexible like the willow, we can weather the storms, bend in the winds and help shelter others in the rains. I have had many challenges in my life ranging from the death of a child, infertility, job losses and major financial setbacks. I know from experience, things are much easier when I choose to be the willow. May you also choose to be like the willow. Stand tall and shelter when required. Bend when needed. Keep in your mind always that there are many paths to the same destination. Some are longer. Some are shorter. Some are rougher. Some are easier. In the end what matters is that we have arrived at the appropriate destination having learned from our mistakes and enjoyed the journey. Be flexible and be happy.

Forgivness

Today's Quote
If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies,
unforgiveness, selfishness and fear.

Glenn Clark

Have you been to the mall with a friend that has a small children? I made just such a fateful trip a few Christmases ago before the birth of my latest child. I was used to doing everything unhindered because I had only one child and she was a teenager at the time. I am not a big shopper anyway. I usually start my Christmas shopping in August and hit all the sales racks I can before the holiday season so that I am 90% done by Thanksgiving. That year I thought it would be fun to go with my friend and help her with her two small children as we shopped for her family Christmas gifts. Boy was I wrong about the fun part!! After we unfurled the double sized stroller, packed in the juice bottles and Cheerios, made our way to the back of every store to find the elevators, (Why do they put those things in the most unlikely spots when the escalators are right in the middle of the stores?) and stopped several times to change the inevitable dirty diapers, we ended up taking twice as long as we thought to get half the stuff on her list. The last time my feet and back hurt that bad was when my husband and I spent a 16 hour day digging sprinkler trenches in our yard. The trip just wasn't worth the hassle with all the excess baggage. It all could have been avoided if I had just volunteered to watch her kids at my house while she went shopping without the kids and all their paraphernalia.

Why do I tell you this? - Because as usual, there is a message to my little parable. It all ties into the quote above. (well duh - this one was kind of obvious wasn't it - LOL)

Just like my shopping trip - our lives will be much easier if we just let go of all our excess baggage. Of course life is not as simple as that, but it is not as complicated as some folks would have you believe either. While we cannot change some of the events that have led to the emotional baggage that we carry - we can change the way we chose to react to the things that are in our past. Carrying around unhealthy or unexpressed emotions can make our life's journey bog down to a screeching halt. We cannot move forward in our relationships without getting past these emotional roadblocks. I speak not from a simply therapeutic standpoint - but from a personal one as well.

I have had times in my life that I choose rather unwisely to carry a major grudge against certain individuals that I perceived as having wronged me. Did my feelings of anger and resentment do anything to 'fix' my relationship with the offending party? - NO. Did my feelings do anything to hinder my relationship with them and others? - YES. Because I was unable to express my feelings in a healthy way - I had to live with the knot in my stomach every time I thought about the precipitating event. I was the one that felt uncomfortable at gatherings with mutual acquaintances when their name was brought up. I was the one that would get so emotionally wound up that I could not sleep. I was only hurting myself. Did it matter whether the perceived injustice of the offender was legitimate or not? - NO. We have all been the 'victim' of some wrongdoing at one time or another. What matters to our personal well being is not the legitimacy of the perceived injustice but how we choose to deal with the emotional side effects of that particular event. When I chose to forgive the offender (whether to his face or silently in my heart it did not matter) I felt better about myself and my situation. Did my change in attitude mean that there was mutual reconciliation? - NO. Did it mean I was suddenly able to be friends with the person? - NO. There does not have to be mutual reconciliation or friendship. There only needs to be a change in your own heart so that you can once again move forward in your personal journey. The peace that follows the relinquishment of our emotional baggage is unparalleled.

My hope and prayer for each of you is that you will take the time to relieve yourselves of some of your baggage with regards to the relationships in your life. It can be part of the healing process with your children, spouse, or with someone else. The point is - you will be the beneficiary of that peace that we each seek in our lives and we could all could use more peace in our lives.

If you wish to read more on this topic, I have found a wonderful and inspiring website called 'The Forgiveness Project'. It can be accessed through cutting and pasting the following address into your browser: http://www.theforgivenessproject.com/ It is unaffiliated with any particular religious organization but seeks to facilitate healing of the human heart across all international, ethnic, and social backgrounds. There are stories of people from all over the world who have found a way to forgive the most unspeakable wrongdoings. There are also other stories of people who are trying to overcome and seeking the advise of others. It is worth a look.

It's a Small World Afterall

Today's Quote
The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.

Aiden Nowlan

THE WORLD IS GETTING SMALLER!!!!!! I have noticed this seeming shrinkage for the past decade or so, but it seems more amplified every time I visit the places of my youth. As I was traveling the highways and back roads of Georgia a couple of years ago on vacation, I would periodically go out of my way to drive by childhood haunts. I drove by Faulk’s pond, a nice pond, but not near as big as I had remembered it being. It seemed that it used to take forever to dig the worms from the sawdust enhance dirt on the one side of the pond and walk around to the other side where the fishing was better. Now, as I looked at it, I realize that it would take only a few minutes to walk all the way around. I drove passed the home where I spent my childhood and it looked smaller than ever. As a matter of fact, I did not even immediately recognize the house because it had been painted a different color, the swing set had been torn down and the cow pasture that used to be behind it had been replaced by mobile home lots. As I drove out to my brother’s and sister’s homes in Dodge County, I realized that the distance was not near as great as I thought it was when we used to pile in the family station wagon on the way to grandma’s house. The ditches that seemed like raging rivers after the rain when I was a kid were very shallow indeed. I drove down the old dirt road to the field where grandpa’s house used to stand and realized that the world was indeed a much smaller place now that I was older.

The advent of CNN and other cable television news stations has brought the world to our living rooms. My family took numerous cross-country car trips when I was growing up, but now I fly everywhere I need to go. I count the distance between myself and my parents in hours instead of days. My husband and I were talking just the other day about how ruffled I was at the prospect of using dial-up service when I stayed at my mom’s house instead of having a wireless DSL connection. It is sad that we have gotten so spoiled that we are upset at it taking a few extra moments to send a message and digital photos to someone clear across the country or even the world. I remember how exciting it was to gather around the kitchen table when we were kids and see the photos that we had taken on our family vacation after my dad returned from the pharmacy where he had dropped them to be developed the week before. Now everyone has a digital camera with immediate confirmation of whether they go the shot or not. I even took my laptop, an invertor and digital camera on our family boat for our trip to Lake Powell so that I could download all my photos and videos and burn a copy for my friends before we parted company to return to our respective homes. We have become the ultimate ‘immediate gratification’ society.

Although I have noticed the shrinkage or our technology-based world to a greater degree recently, I have also relished the simple things as I have visited with so many relatives in my trips back to my childhood home. My mother and aunts had been reminiscing about the ‘old days’ and things they used to do. We talked about the simple pleasures of life before there were TVs in every room in the house. It was interesting to hear stories about the way they grew up picking cotton, raising chickens and cows and playing family games every evening on the farm. They literally wore ‘flour sack’ dresses to school and had a wood-burning fireplace as the only heat source in their home until my mother was a teenager. They were raised simply, with very few worldly possessions, but with a lot of love. It made me wonder what kind of stories my daughter is going to tell about her father and me when she has children. I hope that her childhood memories are filled with as much love and laughter as mine were.

If you haven’t told your children about your younger years, tell them. It may be too late to get to know their grandparents or others that have passed on, but your mother, father , and other relatives can live on through your stories. Believe it or not – your kids will actually listen. It may be because they think it is cool to hear about life in the ‘olden days’ or because they just find it comical that you and your parents grew up so different than them. Maybe they will catch on to some of the similarities between you and themselves. Maybe it will help them understand why you expect the things from them that you do sometimes. Maybe – it will just be good quality conversation time with them. Either way – it is worth the effort. May you all take time to enjoy the simpler things in our ever-shrinking world and help your kids to understand and appreciate them as well.

Goals & Obstacles

Today's Quote

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Hannah More

The quote above is one that is applicable to everyone in a myriad of situations. Weather you are working towards a corporate goal or a personal goal, there always seems to be something or someone that takes on the role of being your obstacle. Being aware of an obstacle is a good thing. Seeing it keeps us from tripping over it. However, when we begin to focus on the obstacle instead of the goal, the obstacle becomes more and more daunting until it seems to consume all of our energy and we loose sight of our original goal. Why do we set goals in the first place? Is it not because we have a desire to do the task at hand? Why then do we take our eyes off the prize? Sometimes ti is because we set goals that are unrealistic. Sometimes it is because we let others influence our decisions. Sometimes it is because our lives change before our goals are met. But that does not mean that we should give up on setting goals. It just means that we should modify our goals to meet our new situation.

When I was a little girl, my dad used to play a Floyd Crammer record quite often. On the record was the song ‘Heart and Soul’. I loved to hear that song played on the piano. I begged my parents for a piano. I wanted lessons. I wanted to play that song. My mom and dad bought a piano when I was six and I was enrolled in music lessons the following week. I was so excited. I had it in my mind that the teacher was going to sit me at the piano and show me the notes and I would be playing the song for my proud parents that afternoon. Later - I was so disappointed! I was told that if I practiced hard, I would learn how to read musical notes and the dynamics of piano within about a month. Then my teacher would teach me the basic right-hand version and she would play the left hand with me. I was forced to reset my goal. Instead of playing the song, I first had to learn to read music. After about a month, I reset my goal again. This time, I would learn the right hand of the song. After a short time, I reset my goal again. This time, I earned the left hand of the song. After that, I reset my goal again and I began to practice the song with both hands together. It took a while, but I finally learned to play the song. It was the basic version of the song, and later I reset my goals again as I became more musically advanced and I learned to play a more complicated version of the song. I used this same technique every time I learned a new song. I just have to learn the notes one hand at a time or one stanza at a time. After I accomplish the first part of my goal, I reset it and move on over and over again until I have finally accomplished the thing that I have set my mind to. Sometimes there are obstacles, like the high F key that sticks on my antique piano and causes me to stumble when I play certain songs, but I have the choice to focus on the stuck key or skip it and move on. If I had focused on the stuck key all the time – I would have missed the opportunity to play many beautiful songs that I have really grown to love.

The point to all this is – keep your eye on the goal. Be aware of the obstacles in your path, but only so that you don’t stumble over them. If you have to re-set your goals, it is OK. Don’t give up on them. One song that I learned as a young woman in choir was called ‘Little By Little’. One line in the song says, "If you can’t swim an ocean, them swim a stream. Just remodel your basic scheme. Don’t give up ‘til you’ve reached your dream, and little by little you’re there.” The goals you have set here may seem daunting at first, but they are important and you need to be committed to yourself. Take one step at a time and constantly reset your smaller goals until your bigger ones are reached. When you finally reach your goal, I hope that you will take the skills you have learned and apply them in other areas of your life. Oh - and by the way -

I never became a great pianist. But I have a great love and appreciation for the instrument and I still play. To this day that same old antique piano that I practiced upon when I was a kid, sits in my living room. I still play 'Heart and Soul' but now I am teaching it to my two year old.

The 6 'D's of self-destruction

Today's Quote

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

T.S. Eliot

How far in life do you want to go? What do you want to accomplish? How do you know when you have 'arrived?'

This is a spiritual question. One of the five cornerstones of change (see the bottom of this blog for an explanation of the cornerstones) is spirituality. As one of my former student's put it, "Spirituality is not religion." Spirituality is simply the belief that there is something more important than yourself, a higher power or law of humanity that must be obeyed in order to maintain both personal and worldly peace. While some enhance their own spiritual journey through organized religion, as I do, some find spiritual peace in other areas.

I think that most people want to do that which is good. The important thing to remember is that you will never 'arrive' at perfection or anything near unto it. Life is a journey - not a destination. For some, 'risking go too far' is a negative. For others, life is a matter of discovery, both of self and the world around them. A life of scientific discovery is a fascinating prospect, but choosing to go on a journey of true self-discovery can be quite daunting to some. After all, who wants to look in the mirror and truly face all the decisions that have brought them to this point in their lives?

There are 6 - 'D's to a life of spiritual healing. These 'D's are the difference between a life of fear and a life of spiritual peace and happiness. The 6 - 'D's are:

Doubt - don't let doubt of your ability to change get in the way of your happiness. Doubt leads to...

Discouragement - when we become discouraged in our efforts to change - we are easily led to...

Distraction - becoming distracted from our goal to truly change leads to a ...

lack of Diligence - when we are no longer diligent in our efforts to change we become...

Defiant (Defiance) - we 'rail against the machine' as it were. We seek to blame anyone and anything else for our problems. This defiant behavior leads to the final 'D' in the destruction of our spirituality...

Disbelief - If we have no belief system, there is no hope for us that anything can help us. We are utterly undone in our goals of personal, emotional and spiritual health and peace.

There are ways out of this destructive pattern, but they require a great deal of self reflection. Everyone has made mistakes. Some are minor and some are skeletons that we would rather leave in the closets of our minds. It is frightening to think that we have to look into that closet and make amends for the things that we have done in order to bring ourselves to a place of greater personal peace. You must dig deep in that closet where you hide those things you don't want to deal with and remove one item at a time. Work on fixing it - if it can be fixed. If not - look in the mirror and forgive yourself and anyone else involved. This will not be easy. In fact, it may take a long while to deal with certain issues, but when all is said and done, you will feel better. My challenge to you is to find out just how far you can go towards making yourself happier and healthier through your own search for peace and hapiness. May you enjoy life's journey.

You are Worth the Fight

Today's Quote

...for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.
Mary Pickford

When a boxer falls to his opponent's blow, he has a choice - stay down and escape to a TKO, or get back up and face the onslaught. What makes the difference between the winning and the losing of the match is partially the decision to get back up. The other part of winning the match is the decision to do something different once he's gotten back up. Many people have tried and failed with respect to some of the issues in their lives. Many have repeated this 'try and fail' process many times over to friends or therapists. Like the losing boxer - they are bruised and bloodied by life's blows. They have learned how to get back up, but have not learned to make the necessary decisions to do something different and are therefore doomed to repeat the failure process again and again until it is so internalized within them that they literally think that they are nothing but one 'big screw-up'. I used that term because it is the term one of my former students used to describe himself in an exercise I led the boys in at devotional one Sunday evening.


I gave the students a drawing of boy holding a big blank canvas. The students were to write what they saw as their positive attributes on the paper. Things that are visible to others, like appearance and sporting or musical talents were to be written on the outside of the boy in the picture. Things that are not visible, like honesty and courage were to be written inside the canvas the boy in the drawing was holding. Some of the students did very well. They were very confident about who they were and where they were going in their lives. Others did well with visible attributes but put a big question mark inside their boy's canvas representing that they did not yet have a grasp on who they really were. Some wrote negatives, because they were still so unsure of themselves. Some colored their picture to personalize it. Some left it black and white. As a follow up to the activity, I sent a copy of the same blank page to each of my student's parents. The parents were to do the same exercise for their students. They were to write on the picture the attributes that they saw in their children. The students received a copy of their parent's vision of them at a later meeting. It was so enlightening to see how different some of the visions of the parents and the students were and how alike others were.


The purpose of this activity was to show the students that they were more than what they currently thought thought of themselves. It was to show them that the fight is worth it. They didn't have to give up to life's TKO. They were someone important! I was quite moved by some of the student's reactions to this seemingly small activity. They took it very seriously. Many of the students gave me hugs when all was said and done. The papers the students did were the people they believe themselves to be at the time. The papers the parents did was a 'paper dream' for some of them - but dreams have a way of coming true when they are worked on within the confines of a loving family.


Above is a copy of the same picture for you to work with if you are so inclined. You should be able to right click it and then 'save picture as' on your computer and print it out form there. I hope that you will take this as seriously as my students did. Please remember - it is not the decision to get back up that separates the winners from the losers in life. It is the decision to do something different, to make better choices, to forgive, to ask for help, and to make a renewed effort towards your goals. Do not stay down. Get up and win the fight!

Integrety

Today's Quote

It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not.
from the song 'Help Sombody' by Van Zant (country music artist)

Abraham Lincoln once said - "I desire to to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside me." Does it really matter what others think of us - as long as we know what we are doing is legal, moral, and ethical. It is sad to say - but some people are still so 'high school' in their thinking, they feel that the need to impress someone else is worth the loss of their own personal integrity.

What is integrity? How do parents teach this concept to their children? Integrity is a principle that encompasses many other principles. The Latin root of this word is 'integer' which means 'whole or complete'. There is no way to force someone into avenues of personal integrity, but by setting the example ourselves, we can improve our children's odds of completing that trait in themselves. We can teach principles of honesty, morality, individual worth and responsibility to our children. Living up to these principles will set them on the path to personal integrity. Integrity is not about impressing people. It is about doing what is right regardless of the personal cost. The meaning of personal integrity has not changed over the years to fit with more modern times. It is the same today as when William Shakespeare wrote over 500 years ago 'to thine own self be true'. Living with integrity means:

· Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
· Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
· Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.
· Heeding that still small voice that tells us something is right or wrong.
· Not being a bystander when we know we need to participate.
· Saying 'no' from a point of conviction rather than 'yes' just to please.


Remember: It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. The intelligent man is he who sets his goals in line with that which he believes to be right and is true to that aim even if others label him unpopular. For in the end, we will never be able to find comfort in another's justifications if we have been untrue to our own hearts.

These points are difficult to teach unless we possess them ourselves and a child has an established set of principles that he has been taught from his family and by their personal examples. It is my hope that you all have set that example already, whether you have children or not. If you have children, discussed with them your hopes for them to follow your example. No matter how old your children are, your opinion counts with them. Set the example and have the discussion sooner rather than later. You will be glad you did.

Happiness

Today's Quote

Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.

-Margaret Lee Runbeck -

It has been said that the foolish man seeks happiness in the distance while the wise man grows it under his feet. No matter where we go in our life’s journey, we can be happy. In our pursuit of happiness, our situation matters not. The only thing that matters is our attitude. I have heard people say silly things like – ‘I’d be so happy if only I could have that car.’ Or ‘If I got that raise, it would make all the difference in my attitude.’ What they're really saying is – I have chosen to base my attitude on an outside stimulus rather than accept responsibility for my own happiness.’

Of course I realize that many of you have probably heard this already elsewhere in you life’s journey, but it bears repeating. Learning to be happy in whatever your situation may be is not an easy task. Many of the problems people suffer from are linked to a sense that personal well-being is connected to an external stimulus. Some people even seem to think that they have no control over how they should react to a situation. This is one of the first hurdles that anyone must overcome in order to start the process of emotional healing. A man can be happy with whatever life has laid before him – if he chooses to be.

When I was little, I had a poster on my bedroom wall that read, “Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.” I decided at a young age to internalize that thought. I came from a lower middle class home. We had plenty of what we needed, but not a lot of extras. My parents lived frugally and within their means. They did not even have credit cards. They saved and paid cash for everything, including their cars. On the other hand, I had friends that seemed very well to do. They had all the latest toys, the most fashionable clothes and their own rooms. I had to share a room and a double bed with my sister until I was 19 and moved out on my own. I thought that my friends had everything that they could possibly need to be happy, but as I got older, I realized that some of my seemingly wealthy friends were not happy at all. It seemed the more they had, the more they wanted. They were constantly whining. I was only ten years old when this observation hit me and it shaped my personality from that point on. I decided that these friends were not the type of people that I wanted to be. I did not know why they were the way they were. To my ten-year old mind, they were just ‘spoiled brats’ as my mother called them. Now that I am older, I know a lot of adult spoiled brats, only now I know that being ‘spoiled’ is not really the problem. The problem is that they have not been taught the proper way to make their own happiness. They have relied on external stimulus so long that they have become very dysfunctional adults. I find this so sad. There is so much in life to be thankful for. It seems to me that the people with the most to be thankful for are usually the ones that whine the most about their situation. So with that in mind, here is the number one thing that I have endeavored to teach my own children to help them learn to be happy – GRATITUDE in all things.

It is impossible to be unhappy when you are expressing genuine gratitude. How can you be anything but happy when you are expressing thankfulness for the blessings you have been given in llife. Please notice that I did not say when you are grateful for the things you have been given. I used the word 'blessings' because it is not things that make us happy. The scent of honeysuckle in bloom, the warmth of the sunshine on a crisp fall afternoon, the light rain shower on a hot summer day are but a few of the blessings that help make me happy and I own none of these as tangible things. Happiness is contagious. Your attitude will help determine the course of your life’s journey, but it will also influence the course of others that cross your path. If you are thankful for, and want what you have, and if you concentrate on the blessings of life instead of the things you do not yet have, you will be the kind of person that others want to be around. You will find that you have more and more to be thankful for and your attitude will be better and better as you infect others. Gratitude and happiness work hand in hand that way. It is a wonderful cycle. May you all take a moment after reading this to think of the blessings in your life for which you are grateful. Pause to count your blessings with a loved one tonight – or make it part of your family dinner ritual. I know you will find happiness in your life’s journey as you do this simple exercise.

Bridges....

Today's quote

Praise the bridge that carried you over.
George Colman


Why a bridge? Let me try to explain..... it is difficult to explain in straight talk. I tend to speak metaphoricly when it comes to matters of the heart. But I feel like a 'bridge' is the best way to get across some of those hurts we all face at one time or another. We cannot always totally reverse a wrong that has been done to us or that we have done to others, but we can usually bridge it. In the song 'Fortress Around Your Heart', the artist Sting sings:

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

We all have had moments where we have felt overwhelmed in our sorrows over what we perceive to be a 'chasm' in our own hearts. These events may be truely devastating to us although someone else may view our reaction as self pity. We need to learn how to bridge the gaps even if we cannot 'fill the chasms'. Sometimes the bridges can be simple footpaths over a babbling brook and sometimes we need to span the mighty Mississippi. My hope is that the things I write here may help you to build your own bridges. No one else can build them for you.