To Thine Own Self Be True

Why then do we do what we do - when we know what we know?
Author unknown


I first encountered this quote during a church meeting. I thought a lot about how it related to the things I personally value and why sometimes people go against their own values. As I thought more on the quote, I realized how much it pertained to the situations that a lot of my former students were in. Although I have no clinical background, my job afforded me the benefit of being able to sit in on many group therapy sessions. I say 'benefit' because it really was beneficial to me to get to know the students much better and they knew they could truly trust me in those confidential meetings. I did not speak during those meetings, and I did not sit in on too many sessions because I did not want to be a disruption. However, during the ones I did sit in on, I was often struck at how insightful these young people could be. They would admit in therapy sessions that they held certain values and they were ashamed of certain things that they had done that were contrary to those values. However, many expressed concern that- when they are outside of a structured environment -they may not have the moral courage to do what was right. Some were afraid that peer pressure may be too much. Others are worried that they may not possess the self-control to abstain from their former vices. Others were unsure about certain activities, and whether they view those activities as right or wrong. I have heard often that most children form their basic core values as early as age four. I am unsure as to the scientific validity of this statement, but I personally believe that even very young children know what is basically right and wrong. There are some political and theological points that are grounds for disagreement, but the majority of people in our country hold the same basic values regarding life, freedom, and pursuits of personal happiness. They sometime choose to ignore what they know to be true in order to obtain acceptance in a social clique, or to test the boundaries set in their home environment or to obtain temporary physical or emotional gratification.

The operative word in the previous sentence is of course 'choose'. Life is full of choices. The ultimate value of our own moral character is determined by the choices we make on a daily basis. Choosing to go against what we know to be a moral truth is weak-minded thinking. We must be willing to sacrifice the temporary popularity or momentary physical gratifications in order to obtain a more meaningful tomorrow. Doing what we hold to be right is not always popular - but you have to ask yourself what your self-respect is worth to you. The only person you have to live with is you. If you can't look yourself in the mirror and like yourself, then some thing's got to change.

Telling our children what is right is not enough. Sometimes, being the good example is not even enough. Teaching principles through personalized goals and activities designed to help our children internalize the principle is the only true way to help them develop those traits that will lead them to a happier, healthier adulthood. For my final thought, I wish to paraphrase the great spiritual leader - Buddha. He said - people should not believe in a principle just because it is a generally held belief, a wise person said it to be so, or because it is said to be of Divine origin. People should only believe in that which they have tested and have judged to be true for themselves. Sometimes we test ourselves. We do things that we know in our heart are contrary to God or to our own personal beliefs in order to reach some perceived personal gratification. We will often find this gratification to be fleeting and hollow. For many it is required to taste of the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. For some - belief in certain morals and principles is easier than others. I encourage you to loose yourself in the service of others; to do a good deed everyday, to help a neighbor or a stranger. Even starting small with one kind smile to a stranger per day will help you to understand the Divine nature of mankind and will help you to break the shackles of doubt and self pity that often lead to those poor decisions.

It is my humble assertion that as you progress through life and practice daily the principles which you know to be true, your attitudes about your issues will change for the better and you will grow, not because of what someone else said was true, but rather because you have judged that truth for yourself on your own course of self discovery. That you will be better tomorrow because of what you have practiced today and that you will be better armed to refrain from whatever vice or demon that is troubling you. As Polonius said to Laetes in Shakespeare's classic Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

The Extra Mile

It's never crowded along the extra mile.
~Wayne Dyer

A few years ago, my husband and were faced with a big decision that would have significantly impacted our family. It would have really caused us to have to go the extra mile. We had a dear friend with a troubled 17 year old daughter who had recently run away from her home out of state. She made it to our state and had been staying with 'friends'. I had been helping her mother by taking the child to appointments with a therapist. One week, the child asked if she could live with Ron and I. Her father was a close friend of my husband and he had died 4 years previously in an accident. Her mother and I had remained close ever since the accident. After discussing the situation with the mother, she had agreed to let us take her daughter in - if we were willing. Ron and I have done this sort of thing before, for our nephew, and were met with mixed results. It had been so nice for us to have our 'freedom' in the home again over the last year and a half since he had left us that we were hesitant to give up certain aspects of our privacy again. This would really take us out of our comfort zone. As we discussed this decision, we had to ask ourselves, 'What is the right thing to do?' NOT -'What is it we want to do?' - Or - 'What is the easiest thing to do?' Or - 'Can't someone else do it?'

Doing the right thing is often not the easiest thing. We made a final decision as to what we were willing to do. We were willing to help this young woman and be her legal guardians - but there would be very strict ground rules. The final decision would be up to the young woman in question. She had to decide if she was willing to become a member of our family and live by our rules. As we discussed what we would do - my husband said - "We've been down this road before and at least this time we know better what to expect. We will plan to help her succeed in the areas she is working on - however - if she chooses not too - then at least we will know that we have gone the extra mile and have tried to help a friend in need." Unfortunately for my friend's daughter - she decided she was unwilling to have us place any expectations on her and did not want to move in after all if it meant having rules like she had at her own home. So - for a while - going the extra mile for this child was just literal as I continued to drive her to her weekly therapy appointments.

Emotionally, financially and physically - going the extra mile can take a tole on families to different degrees. Will it be worth it in the end? Does being worthwhile depend entirely on the outcome of your particualr situation? It is my humble suggestion to you - that the journey will be worth it whether you see exactly the results you want or not. If you have applied yourself and if you have bettered the relationships that you have with your friends and family members - then it will have been worth it.

At that time, as my husband and I discussed taking in yet another 'stray' if you will - He had brought up the fear of failure. He was referring to our inability to get our nephew to turn out exactly as we had hoped. I reminded him - that had we done nothing - our nephew was so far off course that it is possible that he would not even be alive - Or - that he would very likely have had a serious drug problem. There are worse things in life than working a minimum wage job and refusing to go to college. We have done all that was in our power and the rest was up to him. Since that time - our nephew has moved on to better employment, gotten married and bought his first home. He is only 24 and though he never went ot college as we had hoped, he has, so far, done well for himself. As the oft quoted prayer from AA goes, "God grant me the courage to change the things I can - the serenity to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes the most important rewards do not come from the final destination, but come instead come from the journey. I sincerely hope that you can have the positive outcome to your experiences as well, however if the end of your road is not the Garden of Eden that you have imagined, may you take peace in the wisdom gained from traveling the extra mile toward your goal in the first place.

Service Blesses Us

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing
because he could only do a little.
Edmund Burke

I was feeling rather reflective today and have chosen the lovely quote above for a comptemplative Sunday afternoon. I have a dear friend that is going through some great personal trials right now. It is difficult to watch her struggling and to see her situation change so much over the last year. My friend is a wonderful, hard working woman. She is working hard, not only at her job, but also to keep her spirits up and she has chosen to take the moral high ground despite the difficulties her situation has placed her in. I will not go into the personal nature of her difficulties here. Suffice it to say that I know she is a good woman and is in her situation because of the mistakes and decisions of others and not because of things that she has done herself. I get very sad when I think of the all the wonderful service her family has done for our family in the past, and that now so much of her family dynamic is changing because of the difficulties they are going through. I have wanted to do something to help my friend out but have been at a loss as to how to really do anything that would be of great benefit to her and her family. I have been a shoulder to cry on and have been a listening ear for her at times, but felt that I needed to do something more substantial. I have been involved in my own financial struggles lately as has most of the country, and I felt that I had no real way to help.

I was soooo wrong. I called my friend one night and offered her some of the fruit that has overloaded my trees this summer. I just could not keep up with the picking and preserving. The fruit was falling from the trees faster than I could get it canned. To me the offer was no big deal. It was simply a matter of me not having the time to can or dry all my fruit before it rotted. But when my friend picked up the bags of nectarines and peaches from my house later that evening, she was so grateful. I told her it was no big deal and then she told me that to her it was a very big deal. I knew things were tight at her house, but I did not know that she had been struggling to even buy groceries. She told me that she was not able to afford to buy fresh fruits and vegetables right now. She and her kids had been living off of a lot of stored canned goods and the deer and elk meat from her son's kills last season.

In looking around her home, I noticed a few things that needed attention. My husband had already offered to cut down a tree that she needed to have removed. I asked her about a broken window and she told me it was on her list but was not a high priority right now because the weather had been so warm so far and that she was trying to save the money to fix it before the snow flies. I had no idea how much that would cost to fix, so I was unsure how to proceed there. She had complained of computer problems in the past and I know how expensive that can be. There, I decided, was a way that I could help. I am a bit of an amateur techno-geek so I offered to do that for her. It took several hours and a call to a friend who was a professional techno-geek, but we finally got her computer up and running the way it should. My friend was so excited. She hugged me and thanked me profusely. I do a little computer maintenance work on the side for pay at times, but that hug and the look on my friend’s face was the best paycheck I ever got. Something that was a matter of a few hours of my time had made a huge difference to her.

We never know how something we regard as a small act can bless the lives of another. I hope that you will have the opportunity sometime to see how your everyday acts can bless the lives of another. It is very gratifying to know that your efforts have made someone else’s burdens a little lighter. May we all be so blessed to have that million dollar smile of a paycheck.

The Gift

by Kay Reynolds - January 2004

I had a gift so precious and I kept it to myself.

I hoarded it, and shared it not, and put it on a shelf.

Then one day I noticed that the gift that once was fair,

Was withered and was nearly lost for lack of loving care.

I took it down and nurtured it and then chastised myself,

That I would keep it better now and with my friends would share.

To my surprise, the gift began to grow, so that I had not room,

Upon my shelf or in my house to contain it's growing bloom.

The gift took on a radiance and I did too I found,

And my friend, struck by its beauty, did soon come around.

She asked to take a portion of my gift to grace her home,

So lovingly I divided it and gave the fledgling mound.

The moral of this story is that gifts that are brought to bear,

Are only valuable to us when we chose to share.