Strong Will

Today's Quote:
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one

often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.

-Henry Ward Beecher

Strong willed people have often enjoyed the reputation of being either very independent and persistent or obstinate. There is not much in between. What determines the difference is attitude. That’s why I like this quote. Attitude determines much of our lives. Our attitude determines how we face triumphs and tragedies. It determines how others perceive us. It determines our ability to be taught and learn. My daughter had experience with this very thing in high school.

Charolett had dreamed of being on the high school drill team for many years. She had previously been involved with a local competition dance team for 8 years and loves to be on the stage. When it came time to try out for drill team however, she felt humbled. I knew my daughter was a good dancer – not just because she is my daughter and I am prejudice, but because I have watched her form as she does the various moves required of her. Charolett came home from her fist day of tryouts with a great attitude and a nice perspective on her competition. There were only 4 spots open and she was one of 50 girls vying for the team. When I asked her about her chances, she said “I know I am good, but there are several girls that are just as good or even better.” She then told me which girls she felt like were truly in competition for the open spots. As she named each one, she told me about their dance background and their other strengths. She never once put down one of the other girls. At the end of three days of hard tryouts with early morning and evening practices, she had won a spot on the team. When she told me the names of the other girls that had also been chosen, none of them were the ones that she had mentioned as being competition to her on the first day. I asked her about this. She said that she was surprised as well, because she had messed up on her solo during call-backs, but had been called back a second time to redo her audition. She thought she had blown it and the other girls were so pleased with themselves. It turns out – her attitude was the determining factor. Many of the girls either got flustered with themselves and gave up or were ‘snotty’ towards others during tryouts. Unbeknownst to them however, more than dance ability was on trial for this team. The coach wanted girls to represent the school well in attitude as well as ability. I talked to one of the other mothers about what had transpired and she told me that the team had problems with ‘prima-donnas’ in years past and the coach was determined to watch more than just ability in this year’s tryouts. This made me even more proud of my daughter making the team than ever. Being the mother of a popular young drill team member is nice, but being the mother of a daughter that others recognize as having a good attitude and being a hard worker is really special. My daughter danced for the drill team for her entire high school career and loved it.

Our children all have different attitudes when they enter a trying situation. Sometimes their attitude is just a fake for the first little while to try to test the waters. Sometimes they genuinely give an honest try. One thing that is consistent however is that the children with the best attitudes progress faster than the children with the poor or half hearted attitudes. If only every child could step out of body for a while and see what they are doing to themselves, many would change the way they approach life at an earlier age. When a child makes a genuine decision to change himself, attitude is the first thing that changes. The moral is – being one of those strong willed people is good and it is fine to be seen as independent or persistent. But it is best to be seen as having those qulities in a pursuit of a worthwhile goal rather than being seen as stubborn and obstinate becuase of our poor attitude.

To Thine Own Self Be True

Why then do we do what we do - when we know what we know?
Author unknown


I first encountered this quote during a church meeting. I thought a lot about how it related to the things I personally value and why sometimes people go against their own values. As I thought more on the quote, I realized how much it pertained to the situations that a lot of my former students were in. Although I have no clinical background, my job afforded me the benefit of being able to sit in on many group therapy sessions. I say 'benefit' because it really was beneficial to me to get to know the students much better and they knew they could truly trust me in those confidential meetings. I did not speak during those meetings, and I did not sit in on too many sessions because I did not want to be a disruption. However, during the ones I did sit in on, I was often struck at how insightful these young people could be. They would admit in therapy sessions that they held certain values and they were ashamed of certain things that they had done that were contrary to those values. However, many expressed concern that- when they are outside of a structured environment -they may not have the moral courage to do what was right. Some were afraid that peer pressure may be too much. Others are worried that they may not possess the self-control to abstain from their former vices. Others were unsure about certain activities, and whether they view those activities as right or wrong. I have heard often that most children form their basic core values as early as age four. I am unsure as to the scientific validity of this statement, but I personally believe that even very young children know what is basically right and wrong. There are some political and theological points that are grounds for disagreement, but the majority of people in our country hold the same basic values regarding life, freedom, and pursuits of personal happiness. They sometime choose to ignore what they know to be true in order to obtain acceptance in a social clique, or to test the boundaries set in their home environment or to obtain temporary physical or emotional gratification.

The operative word in the previous sentence is of course 'choose'. Life is full of choices. The ultimate value of our own moral character is determined by the choices we make on a daily basis. Choosing to go against what we know to be a moral truth is weak-minded thinking. We must be willing to sacrifice the temporary popularity or momentary physical gratifications in order to obtain a more meaningful tomorrow. Doing what we hold to be right is not always popular - but you have to ask yourself what your self-respect is worth to you. The only person you have to live with is you. If you can't look yourself in the mirror and like yourself, then some thing's got to change.

Telling our children what is right is not enough. Sometimes, being the good example is not even enough. Teaching principles through personalized goals and activities designed to help our children internalize the principle is the only true way to help them develop those traits that will lead them to a happier, healthier adulthood. For my final thought, I wish to paraphrase the great spiritual leader - Buddha. He said - people should not believe in a principle just because it is a generally held belief, a wise person said it to be so, or because it is said to be of Divine origin. People should only believe in that which they have tested and have judged to be true for themselves. Sometimes we test ourselves. We do things that we know in our heart are contrary to God or to our own personal beliefs in order to reach some perceived personal gratification. We will often find this gratification to be fleeting and hollow. For many it is required to taste of the bitter in order to appreciate the sweet. For some - belief in certain morals and principles is easier than others. I encourage you to loose yourself in the service of others; to do a good deed everyday, to help a neighbor or a stranger. Even starting small with one kind smile to a stranger per day will help you to understand the Divine nature of mankind and will help you to break the shackles of doubt and self pity that often lead to those poor decisions.

It is my humble assertion that as you progress through life and practice daily the principles which you know to be true, your attitudes about your issues will change for the better and you will grow, not because of what someone else said was true, but rather because you have judged that truth for yourself on your own course of self discovery. That you will be better tomorrow because of what you have practiced today and that you will be better armed to refrain from whatever vice or demon that is troubling you. As Polonius said to Laetes in Shakespeare's classic Hamlet, "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

The Extra Mile

It's never crowded along the extra mile.
~Wayne Dyer

A few years ago, my husband and were faced with a big decision that would have significantly impacted our family. It would have really caused us to have to go the extra mile. We had a dear friend with a troubled 17 year old daughter who had recently run away from her home out of state. She made it to our state and had been staying with 'friends'. I had been helping her mother by taking the child to appointments with a therapist. One week, the child asked if she could live with Ron and I. Her father was a close friend of my husband and he had died 4 years previously in an accident. Her mother and I had remained close ever since the accident. After discussing the situation with the mother, she had agreed to let us take her daughter in - if we were willing. Ron and I have done this sort of thing before, for our nephew, and were met with mixed results. It had been so nice for us to have our 'freedom' in the home again over the last year and a half since he had left us that we were hesitant to give up certain aspects of our privacy again. This would really take us out of our comfort zone. As we discussed this decision, we had to ask ourselves, 'What is the right thing to do?' NOT -'What is it we want to do?' - Or - 'What is the easiest thing to do?' Or - 'Can't someone else do it?'

Doing the right thing is often not the easiest thing. We made a final decision as to what we were willing to do. We were willing to help this young woman and be her legal guardians - but there would be very strict ground rules. The final decision would be up to the young woman in question. She had to decide if she was willing to become a member of our family and live by our rules. As we discussed what we would do - my husband said - "We've been down this road before and at least this time we know better what to expect. We will plan to help her succeed in the areas she is working on - however - if she chooses not too - then at least we will know that we have gone the extra mile and have tried to help a friend in need." Unfortunately for my friend's daughter - she decided she was unwilling to have us place any expectations on her and did not want to move in after all if it meant having rules like she had at her own home. So - for a while - going the extra mile for this child was just literal as I continued to drive her to her weekly therapy appointments.

Emotionally, financially and physically - going the extra mile can take a tole on families to different degrees. Will it be worth it in the end? Does being worthwhile depend entirely on the outcome of your particualr situation? It is my humble suggestion to you - that the journey will be worth it whether you see exactly the results you want or not. If you have applied yourself and if you have bettered the relationships that you have with your friends and family members - then it will have been worth it.

At that time, as my husband and I discussed taking in yet another 'stray' if you will - He had brought up the fear of failure. He was referring to our inability to get our nephew to turn out exactly as we had hoped. I reminded him - that had we done nothing - our nephew was so far off course that it is possible that he would not even be alive - Or - that he would very likely have had a serious drug problem. There are worse things in life than working a minimum wage job and refusing to go to college. We have done all that was in our power and the rest was up to him. Since that time - our nephew has moved on to better employment, gotten married and bought his first home. He is only 24 and though he never went ot college as we had hoped, he has, so far, done well for himself. As the oft quoted prayer from AA goes, "God grant me the courage to change the things I can - the serenity to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes the most important rewards do not come from the final destination, but come instead come from the journey. I sincerely hope that you can have the positive outcome to your experiences as well, however if the end of your road is not the Garden of Eden that you have imagined, may you take peace in the wisdom gained from traveling the extra mile toward your goal in the first place.